Now You Know -or- Three Birds With One Stone

I couldn’t help but hear - well, I sort of heard - you asking the fans in the concert hall the other night to be quiet because you couldn’t even hear yourself speak. It was kinda noisy, wasn’t it - how come you can’t keep control of your class? I mean, being a teacher and all....

Of course you couldn’t possibly hear what really goes on in that bedlam your fans indulge in at every given opportunity, but do you ever wonder what it is, exactly, that they’re talking about? I mean, wouldn’t you like to know what they’re saying about you while you’re trying to get through a concert? I would. And so I set about doing a little checking. The best way to learn what goes on would have been to be sitting smack dab in the middle seat at one or two ( or 6 ) of your concerts, but alas I could not be there in person. So I did the next best thing. I scanned the boards.

I found one board so talkative that trying to keep up refreshing the pages was about to give my hard drive terminal heart failure, so I moved on. You think you only have 3000 fans? Well, the evidence is that you must have at least 3000 more, because that board was steaming with activity!

So I tried somewhere else. But everyone must have moved with me, because all 3000 were there as well. I know this for a fact, because of the racket. Have you any idea how it sounds when 3000 people chatter all at the same time? Silly question. Sorry. But if I were to find out what the conversations really were, I had to settle somewhere, so I give my hard drive a hug and a drink of water to cool it down and I settled in with the empty water glass to the wall. You can hear really well that way, did you know that?

So what were they talking about, do you think? I assumed it would be about your concert: Of course it would be. I mean, these boards are all dedicated to you, and it was a concert night after all. I scanned a couple of pages to find out what they were saying about what you singing tonight - how did you look - what were you wearing - which hairpiece did you have on - you know - the really important stuff.

“ I have to get my laundry out of the dryer.” said one.

“ Do you have tickets to Bon Jovi?” asked another. “ That Jon is SO cute “ twittered a third.

‘Hey everybody!” an enthusiastic voice piped in. “ My daughter just had twins!”

“Are you doing laundry, too?”

I switched boards. And got the same 3000 I guess. And just as talkative.

“ Hi everyone. I just got here. Have I missed much?” came from someone obviously late to the party.

You don’t need to know about the next several pages, because it’s repetition, everybody saying “hi” to the last one in and passing them drinks and popcorn. Then finally somebody says.

“ Whooo - hoooo!!!! He’s wearing a blue shirt and white pants! With a leather jacket! “

This caused pretty much the entire 3000 to thud ( loudly and with feeling ) for awhile until another report came in to inform us all that the first report was erroneous and that you were wearing a pink shirt and a WHITE jacket, and that you had on jeans. Which brought on a few memories of concerts past and created a reverberation heard throughout cyberspace as more people thudded.

“ When is your concert?” someone ( recovered from the flight to the floor ) asked someone else.

Oh goody! I’d found a board where they took discussing you seriously.

For a minute anyhow, until they realized they had to pack soon. That got many of the 3000 discussing what one should take with them, and remembering past trips ( not necessarily to a tete - a - tete with Clay Aiken ).

Somebody went off to get some more popcorn while somebody else went to answer their phone while someone else took a bathroom break and I thought it was time to switch boards again.

“He’s singing WY. OOOoooh I LOVE listening to him sing that song.”

“Yeah. The VOX !”

Oh goody. I’m going to hear about the concert now.

“ That was Carol O’Connor, wasn’t it?”

“ Who’s the Carol O’Connor chick?”

“ I’m going to feed the cat. He’s yowling, poor thing.”

“ Carroll O’Connor. There’re two Ls and two Rs in Carroll. It’s a guy. He was Archie Bunker in All In The Family in the 70s”

“ What do you think we can do to make Clay like cats? “

“Never heard of it. I’m only 14.”

I switched boards.

Dead silence. Not a peep. Why? I looked at the last entry. Five minutes ago - and no one had said anything since. Then I found the final entry.

“ SEXY!!! BACK!!!! “

That explained it. They’d all thudded the big one.

I left them in peace and proceeded on my way.

And so it went. And I think I’ve killed three birds with one stone here. About how many fans you really have, what they’re really on about, and what you can do about it.

The evidence tells us that there are at least 3000 more fans out there, all of them talking at once of course, and sometimes even about you. But they can be quiet too. And I’ve just told you how to accomplish that.

So now you know. Any questions?